Do you know anyone that is battling or has overcome a mental illness? I have, it's me. This will probably be my most serious blog but I feel that I need to write about it to get closure for myself and also to help you understand anxiety and depression from the point of view of the person it happens to.
Anxiety takes everything away from you. I had to give up a lot of things I loved just because the fear of doing them was so strong. I stopped going to football, going out with friends and at 1 point was actually terrified to leave my bedroom (even to go to the bathroom). I stopped eating as I constantly felt sick and my weight dropped to 7 stone, which for my 5" 7 height made me look emancipated.
I'm going to tell you my story ....
Back in 2010 I started been sick after most meals. I had chest pains as well. When I went to the doctors they asked if I was stressed or worried which I immediately laughed off as I was the cup full kind of girl who never felt stressed. The doctor gave me anti sickness drugs and I was sent for intolerance tests. Everything came back clear which was hugely frustrating as I knew I felt something was wrong. I went away and tried to carry on with life.
Then in the October, me and the Mr went to Tenerife. Now so you know, we go to the same apartments in the same resort about 3 times a year so I am familiar to everywhere and almost see it as a second home. 2 days in I was sick after my meal and the fear kicked in. I didn't know anything of anxiety. All I knew was that I was scared to eat, scared to leave the apartment and was constantly been sick or on the toilet (for the other end!). I didn't understand it so how could I explain my irrational behaviour to the Mr? This left me feeling more stressed and it became a never ending cycle.
We eventually decided to fly home early and go back to the doctor. While waiting the 2 days for my appointment I never left my bedroom (only to go to the bathroom). Can you imagine, afraid of your own house?! The day of my appointment came and I had to be forced literally kicking and screaming out of the house. The doctor diagnosed severe anxiety and put me straight on strong medication to try and start the chemicals in my brain to level out. I was also put on diazepam and tamazapan (however you spell it!)
I was also assigned to a councillor who I saw every other week and who helped me an awful lot. The biggest help was that she was able to explain my feelings to the Mr so he understood and she also gave him some tips for him to do to help me when in the middle of an attack. She diagnosed my clinical depression as well as that and anxiety often go hand in hand. I didn't feel depressed but it goes to show how little you underestimate mental illness.
Slowly I built my weight back up and forced myself out of the house. I decided as soon as I was diagnosed that I wouldn't let anxiety make me become house bound. I had (and still have) amazing support from family and friends and over 2 years I slowly came off my tablets. I still had the odd attack but I now knew how to cope and get through them. I finally took my last tablet in January this year and feel incredibly proud of myself for doing so.
Anxiety is an irrational fear but to the person experiencing it, it is VERY real. Imagine a person breaks into your house then holds a gun to your head. The fear you would feel is a portion of the fear that runs through you when having an attack.
I still have anxiety but I can now control it to a certain degree. It is something I think I will have to deal with for life but I truly believe I am a stronger person because of it. I am making an effort to start doing all the things I had to give up again and maybe a few new things (like this blog)
I hope this has helped you in some way or just given you a bit of an insight into what makes me the way I am today. I didn't think I would be the kind of person to suffer mental illness but this shows it really can happen to anyone.
My mantra is now KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON!
Much love
A x
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